The Week That Was...

Well…here I sit looking back on this first week in February 2007 in delighted marvel at what has transpired! If you’re a news junky as I am and you revel in all things ugly and salacious then this week was your week, a news Super Chili Bowl of ingredients that when mixed together make for the tastiest of meals.

It all actually started the previous week when former New York City Mayor, Rudolph Giuliani announced that he intended to toss his "hat" in the ring for the two thousand eight Presidential race. The actual announcement came last week, but polls and real speculation stretched into Monday – Is Rudy too liberal for the Southern conservative base – he’s Pro Choice and in favor of gay rights. By the time the sun rose on Monday, there were plenty of news polls showing that Giuliani was actually running way ahead of long time Republican front runner John McCain. And surprisingly (to the oddly clueless news media) many conservatives said that they could vote for the independent minded former Mayor because of his amazing 911 performance. It really shouldn’t be a shock that many conservatives like myself, like Rudy. After all, the specter of terrorism still eclipses our nation. Unless in some miraculous bizzaro world, the Iraqis decide to stop fighting and pick up the “plowshares”, then security will be a major issue and Mayor Giuliani is the only candidate running that actually has a record of real leadership during a crisis – the nation’s worst crisis- and I suspect that if a nuclear device were to go off in anywhere in this country, abortion and gay rights will be the last thing on anyone’s mind! Anyway, as I said, being a news junky the “Giuliani, can he appeal to conservatives story” was a nice start to the week.

Not to be outdone by the former mayor, the newly minted Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (the San Francisco treat!) decided that the Air Force commuter jet she uses to shuttle her back and forth between Washington D.C. to San Francisco was too small. In addition to that, her current “Wright Flyer” was unable to cross the country in one hop without refueling, and the inconvenience of having to make a stop along the way was just… well…too inconvenient for someone with sooo much important work to do for the poor and down trodden. After all she can’t be expected to travel back and forth without her staff, friends, and family! So, Ms. Pelosi requested a larger Military jet, a C-32, spiffily equipt with 42 business class seats, is the military equivalent of the Boeing 757 passenger plane. And you’ll be happy to know dear taxpayer, that just one of Ms. Pelosi’s magical mystery round trip flights will cost you a measly Three Hundred Thousand dollars. What a bargain! I seem to remember during last fall’s election some incessant grousing about saddling our children with a rather large budget deficit– hummm…

When questioned by the media about this highflying fiasco, Ms. Pelosi speculated that the Air Force itself was distorting the story because they were miffed by her stance against the perfectly good Iraq war and erstwhile Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld.

Listening to Speaker Pelosi’s “reasoning” causes the words “most ethical congress” to echo in my brain. After winning last fall’s election Ms. Pelosi promised that a new day had dawned and the new Democrat majority would shepherd in a new morality of the highest standards. Little did I imagine that when using the term “highest” standards she was referring to cost and altitude.

Not to be outdone by either the former Mayor of New York or the shiny new House Speaker–another government agency, NASA, decided it needed some attention, but then (too late) thought better about it, when the terms “twenty five thousand dollar bail” and “NASA Astronaut” were linked together in a sentence. As the bizarre news broke that the Orlando Police Department had arrested Space Shuttle Mission Specialist, Astronette, Lisa M. Nowak 43, on attempted murder charges! Seems that all the years of mission training have paid off as Nowak was caught with everything but the Space Shuttle’s Canadian Robotic Arm in her trunk. A comprehensive list of needed “mission” items, along with the items themselves – folding knife, pepper spray, rubber tube, latex gloves, BB gun, plastic bags, a list of e¬-mails from her target, six hundred dollars in cash, and I’m tempted to sing – “and a parrr-t¬ridge in a paare treeee,” but won’t - were shuttled the nine hundred miles to Orlando.

Like a snowball heading down Kilimanjaro, this gem of a tale gathered everything in its wake.
A day later details and wonderful terms such as “Astro-nut” and “Lust In Space” rocketed themselves into the headlines, as we found out that Mission Specialist Nowak, reacting to an affair between fellow Shuttle Pilot (with whom she was in love), William Oefelein, 41 and – 30 yr. old Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman, drove nine hundred miles, (emulating NASA efficiency), wearing a diaper, (to save pitstop time), from Houston to Orlando to confront her rival at the airport. Dressed in disguise, Nowak, followed Capt. Shipman to her car and started attacking her. Shipman, somehow managed to get into her car but, Nowak, managed to pepper spray her through the car window! Despite having eyes toastier than an atmospheric reentry, Capt. Shipman, managed to get away and call police who were able to nab zero-gee stalker. WOW!

Now, sad and embarrassed, Nowak, is out on bail but, has to wear a Global Positioning System Ankle bracelet, for easy tracking. Wouldn’t it be a wonderfully ironic twist if it were discovered her Shuttle Mission was responsible for placing that particular Global Positioning satellite into orbit? All I know is that I can’t wait for the trial!

Even before the Ankle bracelet started transmiting - The piéces-de-résistance! As Thursday rolled around, not to be outdone by any government agency of any sort – Enter the many faceted Anna Nicole Smith – whose life is a mind numbing soap opera of nothingness. The Playboy playmate, wife - promised a mega-millions worth of money - from now dead 94 year old billionaire (at least he died happy) - J. Howard Marshall - transformed herself to a weight yo-yo-ing, reality show looney, that included her teenage son, Daniel, who died of a drug overdose shortly after she gave birth to daughter Dannielynn,-named sorrowfully after the afore mentioned son. Married to her lawyer, Howard K.-(not to be confused with Radioman-Stern), who claimed fatherhood, after another man, Larry Birkhead, claimed DNA-hood to the recently born daughter. Finally, deciding even she couldn’t take it anymore, by accident or intention, “offed” herself at age 39 in a probable drug overdose!

As of now no one is sure exactly how she died, but Coroner’s have preliminarily ruled out fowl play or physical illness, which most likely leaves drug overdose.

And if you thought you had heard it all, just before the kitchen sink goes wizzing by, the latest news is that Ms. Smith’s baby Dannielynn may not be the baby of either of the afore mentioned men. By Friday, another round of that popular game “Whose your Daddy" reared it's head as yet another “father” came out of the woodwork! Unbelievably, yet not - Ninety-four year old actress, Zsa-Zsa Gabor’s husband, Prince Frederick-Von Anhalt, (who appropriately enough is not really a prince), claims he’s had a ten year relationship with Nicole-Smith, and claims he's Dannielynn’s real father! It hasn’t occurred yet, but I’m anxiously awaiting for the Zsa-Zsa interview.

I have a fairly overactive imagination and I’m going to harness it now. How wonderful would it be if they gave the baby a DNA test and found out that THIS guy was the father!


And then turned out that Hillary had Nicole-Smith poisoned! Now THAT would be a news story!!
At any rate, this story isn’t over by a long shot so please put that kitchen sink down.
All I have to say is – “will somebody, anybody, please do a DNA test on the kid!”

On Saturday…not to be outdone by Rudy Giuliani, Nancy Pelosi, NASA, or the “Blonde tornado,”–(who actually CAN outdo any government agency). Coming full circle (ala Guiliani), the “articulate” and “clean” semi–black American, Barack Obama, standing upon the icy steps of the old Illinois state Capitol building, where in 1858, Lincoln delivered his now famous "House divided by two" anti- slavery speech, officially announced he'll be tossing his “Hat" into the Presidential sweepstakes. Which should have made for a dramatic moment but, after the preceding six days of tornadic joy, felt more like a light breeze blowing from the west.

Ironically, by the end of this wonderfully entertaining week, nothing of real consequence actually occurred. Mr. Giuliani and Mr.Obama, are just beginning their two year long rectal exams, Anna Nicole Smith’s timely demise, will, in the long run have no worldly consequence except to endlessly entertain the vacuously, gossipy pop-media culture. Finally, when you look up into the sky – that glinty spot you see at thirty thousand feet with a greenhouse, ozone destroying chemical trail behind it–is not Superman. Nope, there’s a chance (small though it may be) that glint is a rather large Air Force jet carrying our esteemed House Speaker and company as she cruises along with family and friends, to her next Global Warming conference.

So there you have it–THE WEEK THAT WAS!
Now can I do it? – okay, here it goes – “And A Paaar–triiidge in a Pare treeeeeeee!!