And the Oscar goes toooo….the Environment?

Hurray for Hollywood! Goes the classic refrain - It’s Oscar night 2006 and the entertainment and network news, are all a twitter about George Clooney! Seems he arrived to the big show not in an overdone limousine, but a hybrid vehicle!

Oh how the media fawned over George! – “He’s not only charming, and great looking, and a great actor, and an Oscar winner, but he cares about the environment! He’s perfect. Even God must look down with envy!” Really? Now I don’t doubt for a second that Mr. Clooney is charming and even though I myself am ruled by the Y chromosome, I have to agree that Bruce Wayne cuts a dashing image, and yes a decent actor but, is he an environmentalist? Because he arrived in a hybrid car? Well…not only did Ol’ George arrive sans Ozone depleter, so did Jennifer Aniston, and so did that Gay, maybe not, Broke Back Hollywood Cowboy, Heath Ledger.

I have this annoying habit of questioning authority, so when I saw to all the media swooning over the “save the Planet” bunch –I began to think (I know you can smell the wood even as you read.) I began to think about environmental pollution, and the first question I had was this - how much pollution is created during the making, distribution and showing of movies? That’s a good question to ask our planet cuddling Clooney.

Without doing any real research – I’m feeling a bit lazy after listening to all those self congratulatory Oscar speeches. But I’m feeling quite effective even without the research so here we go.

Let’s start with the making of a movie – maybe “Syriana.” What items would one need to produce such a movie? Well one of the first things you need is a script – which today will most likely be churned out on computer. But, after that it needs to be printed out so others can read it – and that means using paper! And that means cutting down trees! Did George ever think about all the trees that have given their lives so he could earn a living? I wonder how many died in uncountable, unconscionable leafy holocausts?

Of course after you have a nice script you have to story board it out. Storyboarding for those of you unfamiliar is a method used to aid the director and production crew to help them get a good grasp on the flow of a movie. They have an illustrator sketch out on either paper or board important moments to be shot in the film. Think of it as visual CliffsNotes for movie making¬–a lot of paper gets used during the story boarding process. More paper will be used for designing costumes and sets which are created with magic pencils, markers, and ink. You don’t want to know all the pollution associated with ink production!

After you have your movie storyboarded out you then have to film. And to film you need…well…film! And what dear reader is film made of? – “One word Benjamin – Plastics!” Yes film is made from petroleum. I wonder how much film they used filming Syriana? Hummm…

Okay, so we got our storyboards and our film what’s next? Well you need to find a location or most likely locations to shoot your movie, which means you have to transport all your equipment and people to that location or locations. Remember there’s a lot of stuff to move – a partial list – Cameras, film, editing equipment, sets- (deforestation), costumes, lights, generators- (gas powered), wiring, computers, steel and aluminum latticework- (the result of strip mining.) and last but never least - people! People (a lot of them) have to be moved to the set. And of course the stars need their own trailers! Which by the way are nicer than your house! I wonder how much gas it takes to move one of those trailers? – Maybe George could get a hybrid trailer! You can barely imagine all the pollution involved in getting a film crew to the set!

So now you’ve gone through the grueling process of creating a movie – the next step is to release this sucker to the world. So what’s involved here? Well, first you have to promote, which means sending your movie’s stars out to do the media talk show circuit, and if you casually think that that means only Jay and Dave well… today there are a multitude of venues where you can hock your wares, Oprah, Larry King, CNN MSNBC, FOX, the Today Show, Regis & Kelly, the nosy Rosie’s gabfest The View etc. I could keep going. There’s also Newspapers, Magazines, Radio, on and on. And if you thought that was it, well… that’s just a partial list of places to promote in this country – there’s the rest of the world to pimp to! And that means overseas travel and that means jet planes and if you’re a mega star like George, the studio will provide you with your own private jet! A Gulfstream 6 is the latest model, I think. I wonder how much fuel a private jet uses per mile? Hummm…

After our private jet lands, our mega star has to get to their promotional venue – the BBC, Match, Der Spiegel, etc., and you don’t get to those venues hitchhiking. Either a car will pick you up or if you’re as big as George, an Ozone depleting Limo will pick you up! Either way it’s more fossil fuel burning! Is it really necessary to use all that fuel just to promote a movie?

Then there’s the ubiquitous movie poster! I wonder how much of a tree holocaust is created from the production of movie posters to advertise Mr. Clooney’s movies? You also have to add into this mix those dopey standing cardboard cutout displays as well as newspaper and magazine advertisements! Wow! That’s a lot of trees!

Okay you got the movie finished and you got the advertisements out, now what? – Well, now you need people, ( hopefully a lot of people ) to go see your movie. Of course the way most people get to the movies is by the greenhouse producing non-hybrid car! And, they don’t just go one way, all those people have to get home as well! And, a few months after the movie exits the theaters it then comes out on DVD. Which means you have to produce the DVD and it’s case - both of which are made of plastic! Plastic which is made from petroleum! You also need to slap a slick a label on that sucker, which is made of paper with printed ink!

After you produce the DVD it then has to be delivered to multitudinous stores across America as well as around the world. And how do most of those DVDs get to the stores? Yes! A diesel spewing, earth shaking, gas guzzling monster eighteen wheeler truck! Maybe Mr. Clooney could help the engineers in Detroit develop a hybrid truck?

You now need someone to purchase all those DVDs – that’s right–all those people driving to malls all across America to purchase Mr. Clooney’s movies! Maybe he could help the planet and buy all of those people hybrids?

Of course up until now we’ve just covered movies, don’t forget the TV show that made Mr. Clooney a star – “ER.” You can throw Jennifer Aniston in here as well, being she spent a gazillion years on the TV show “Friends.” Starring in a TV show produces even more pollution than movies because the average TV series films more than twenty-two episodes a year! And the real reason stars get paid such stellar salaries is not because their employers (the networks) like them - it’s because the more of you people who watch their shows, the more money the network can charge advertisers to air commercials on those shows. And more they can charge the more the actors can make! So the truth is that George and Jennifer can thank advertisers for their luxurious lifestyles. You know big, greedy, evil, polluting corporations! The goal of advertisers of course is to get YOU to hop into your, ozone depleting, global warming, evil oil company supported car, and go the mall to buy their products!

Talk about pollution! Imagine all of you people traveling about buying stuff you’ve seen advertised on “ER” and “Friends!” You can’t imagine all the pollution that’s been created from both these shows throughout the years. Just imagine all the pollution George and Jennifer have been responsible for!

There you have it, if I had more time I could go on and on. I’ve just skimmed the surface of all the ancillary pollution that the movie and TV industry are responsible for.

Look!... Here he comes!... Do you believe it? Here he is! Hey Mr. Clooney–tell us about that spiffy hybrid car you got there -oh you’re so cool! What a great environmental statement! You’re such a big star that you don’t need a polluting Limo. Please share with us how much you care. And please make more movies like Syriana, about evil, greedy oil companies. Please share your concerns about the environment and global warming. Please Mr. Clooney, may we please get a glimpse of your Oscar? You know the one that’s metal and gold plated – made of raw materials which had to be obtained from strip mines using huge diesel burning trucks and cranes. Thank you so much! Byyyye! I see Jennifer is right behind you – Yoo Hoo! Jennifer - Over here! – “Hi!” How’s Braa.. Oh, sorry…never mind – niiice car!