Has your stomach been churning? Is your breathing a bit labored lately? Has it been difficult getting out of bed? Is it difficult finding other things to watch on T.V. besides the political shows you so savored just a few weeks back? Well my sad fellow Republicans, it’s not the flu you have, you are suffering from Obamaitis.
Unfortunately, there will be no recovery on your horizon for at least four years, so just skip paying your overpriced doctor.
Obamaitis - it comes, when, after eight, weary years of driving your USA SUV over bumpy roads, and in a state of exhaustion, handing the car keys over to the incessantly screaming kids in the back seat.
But, my fellow sad sacks, thought I can’t cure you, I will present you with a few hopeful reasons to smile.
If John McCain had won this election we would all be doing gigs, dancing the McCainarana! Patting ourselves on the back for delivering a sucker punch to the lefties. The satisfaction of having the underdog beating the odds and pulling off the ultimate upset. Yes, we would barely be able to contain ourselves. If we died, the coroner would have a tough time wiping the smile from our faces – that is how happy we would be.
Unfortunately, that jubilation has been reserved for the Obamaites. Flush with self-satisfaction, there’s almost nothing Republicans, nor conservatives can say to wipe the smile off their rightfully smug faces. And lets face it – at this point, it’s
what stings us the most.
In our current sad sack state, it’s understandable that we find ourselves taking
the drive to downtown pityville USA, and saddling up to the bar for a pint of wallow-tonic, on tap.
Take my pal Rush Limbaugh, for example, who, had almost nothing good to say about John McCain before he managed
to win the Republican primary, is now so upset, that he actually hopes that the people who voted for Obama in Ohio, and Virginia, would loose their jobs “because when people do stupid things (Obama said he would strictly regulate the coal industry) they should learn a lesson.”
As I listened I wondered, was this was the same Rush, who made the point, that liberals don’t care how they obtain power, and lamenting the fact that the Democrats, and Obama were hopeful for a bad economy because that was their only path to winning the White House? Oh, how quickly the mighty crack!
If Rush can saddle up to the pityville-bar, for a pint of woe, then you my mere mortal, can hardly be blamed for pulling up a bar stool. But, as we clink glasses, I say, cheer up! As I attempt to provide you with a few points of sudsy solace.
Point one - over the past four years we conservatives have suffered through the tumultuous Presidency of George W. Bush. When Mr. Bush ran for office eight years ago under the dubious banner of “compassionate conservative,” he was signaling to the people who were going to actually decide that election, independents, that they had nothing to fear from him, he was not like those nasty, cold hearted S.O.B. conservatives, who wanted to impeach President Clinton. No, he was a going to be a nice guy, meaning - a compromiser. Well… we conservatives can happily say goodbye to that fallacious branding.
President Bush’s compassion has manifest itself in the form of costly spending programs to “fix” things. Something, akin to 300 grit sandpaper, which rubs us cold hearted Republicans the wrong way.
Point two - throughout the Bush years, there have been more than a few hubristic bad apple Republicans, ie: representative, and former Vietnam flying ace, Randall “duke” Cunningham, convicted of having military contractors give him gifts and buy his house at a greatly inflated price. Then there was the licentious, rumored to be gay, Florida representative Tom Foley, sending very suggestive emails to male interns. And now we have the petty, and taxpayer costly, Alaska Senator, Ted Stevens, accepting gifts and free labor from constituents. Well… I say adios amigos! I don’t want to have to defend corruption – I’ll happily leave that to the donkeys.
John McCain, throughout much of his career, has been labeled by the media, a “maverick.” A maverick, because he’s his own island when it comes to political philosophy. Which really means that he has no philosophy. Which means that when listening to him campaign, one was hard pressed to find any unifying, or even coherent message. Which resulted in his defeat.
Point three - Bush “the compassionate”, McCain “the maverick,” both come adorned with muddled versions of Reagan conservatism. And, if there had been a McCain Presidency, we would have had more of the same. Well… we don’t have to concern ourselves with that nonsense anymore.
Point four - “Mr. Maverick”, hopped onto the hybrid global warming bandwagon, and was more than willing to “invest,” our taxpayer dollars to “save the planet.” Like most conservatives, I, don’t believe the planet needs any “saving.” And, if it did need saving, the U.S. Federal government, is the last super-hero you would turn to for that task. Another thing, dear conservatives, we now, don’t have to worry about. Let the donkeys pray to the global warming god.
Point five – most importantly - All is Shangri-la in donkeyville now, but, with the Democrats controlling both the White House and Congress, there’s sure to be much infighting for the war spoils. Amidst all this infighting, a loyal, formally muted, opposition of conservatism should renew itself from the ragtag remnants of our party.
In life nothing moves in a straight line, and so it is with conservatism. After difficult eight years of trying to “shoehorn,” a Bush presidency into a Reagan philosophy, it will be nice NOT to have to do that with an equally un-conservative McCain.
As for me, I’m happy to let the kids riding in the back seat, who, for eight years, have been kicking our seats non-stop, incessantly fighting, and asking, of the war, ‘are we there yet?’, have their moment at the wheel of our SUV-USA. We’ve been driving for too long and have gotten lost. Our party fell asleep at the wheel. It’s time for us to have a pullover, and let those boisterous brats in the back seat take the wheel, while we take a brief siesta in that back seat.
I definitely won’t be taking any cues from the Democrats, about how to act when you don’t get what you want. Democrats, who, when George Bush won both of his elections, acted as if the apocalypse were upon us. These open minded, compassionate, multi-cultural people, who, perversely, accuse us Republicans of being narrow minded, bigoted, racist ogres - treated us to eight years of nonstop whining, kicking and screaming, and vilely comparing President Bush to Hitler.
No thank you, I don’t think I want to be seen acting like a spoiled five year old for the next four years. After all, we are the “daddy” party, which is one of the reasons I became a Republican.
I will wish President Obama well. He’s going to be my President now, and for the country’s sake, I sincerely want him to succeed. There will be plenty of time to form a loyal opposition to form, but for now my dear Obamaitis ridden chums, hop in the big comfy USA SUV back seat, and enjoy a nice nap to recoup your strength. After our brief nap, we’ll get to kick the stuffing out of the driver’s seat, and incessantly whine about where we’re going. Plenty of time for fun! Now slide over, cause I’m not sitting on the hump!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
A Setback For Race Relations
Uncork the champagne! Barak Obama, the man of the hour, after a brutally long, (a year and a half) and wearying political campaign, looks as if he will have an easy gallop to the Presidency. Thanks to a plummeting stock market, sinking faster than a poor sap wearing a cement overcoat in the East river. Combined with the inept and chaotic thinking of John McCain, which has translated to his campaign staff, as they try to keep up with their candidate’s indecipherable rhetoric, Obama, who comes equipped with a quiet and easy demeanor, has only to be concerned, with committing a large verbal gaff. Which, if history is any guide, is a minutely small possibility.
For all of Barak Obama’s claims of “change,” one can detect very little of it in his stated agendas, filled with hazy notions, that voters, who, after this insanely long election season, (enough to make drying paint interesting), are exhausted, and don’t seem the least bit interested in knowing.
As many in today’s mainstream media are actively and openly rooting, without any pretense of being objective, for Mr. Obama, the real question is - why? Well… one reason is obvious, Democrats, finding no problem too small for government to solve, agree with Obama’s, nebulous agenda. Another, the mainstream media ie: ABC, NBC, and CBS, are inhabited in overwhelming numbers, by self-admitted liberals.
But, why are the mainstream media, rooting so openly for Obama? Well… here’s your answer – slavery. It’s that simple. What separates those on the left from those of us on the right is - guilt. It’s what defines you as a Democrat. Those on the left don’t want anyone to suffer, or be without anything at anytime, otherwise they “feel” bad. So they look to government, (which is more than happy to accommodate their guilt) to relieve them of their “burdens.”
Those of us, conservatives, (such as myself) who are not burdened by such guilt, believe that in this country, anyone can make it if they’re willing to work hard, and if they don’t make it and remain impoverished, it’s not because of white racism.
I believe those on the left, are genetically prone toward feeling guilt. Which extends – ridiculously, to slavery. An institution formerly ended, (with a war which left over six hundred thousand dead) in 1864, by President Lincoln.
I can’t believe I have to make this point, but - Today, there is absolutely no one alive in this country who has ever owned a slave. And no one alive who’s parent, grand parents, or great grand parents, have ever owned another human being. Yet, those on the left, existing in some bizzaro world – feel burdened by guilt over the matter.
So, you ask - why feel guilty? Well…and here we come to the heart of the matter. The guilt liberals feel, is as I stated above, partly genetic, and more ominously, narcissistic. It’s a guilt that they believe can be solved by merely pulling a lever, ie: I’m a Democrat, I’m morally superior to those who disagree with me because I care about the poor, unprivileged, the minority class, and those right wing nut jobs, don’t. And, because I vote for the right people – ie: those who do care - therefore I care, which makes me a good citizen.
The narcissistic nature of those on the left is what is most ominous. Ominous, because it has no end. If your basic disposition is to feel guilt for all you have, and for others who have less, there becomes an endless need to assuage that guilt. And, that type of guilt can destroy a democracy.
Recently at their second Presidential debate, John McCain pointed and referred to Barak Obama as “that one.” Emphasizing a point to the audience of a big spending bill proposed by the Bush administration, and voted for by Obama.
The next day some in the media were actually speculating if McCain’s finger pointing was a subtle racist jesture. Huh? Am I missing something here? Uh-Oh, thought I.
Next, we had Representative John Lewis, a respected icon of the civil rights movement, saying that McCain’s campaign reminded him of the George Wallace campaign (The now deceased former separatist governor of Alabama.) This, because a few idiots, at a few of McCain’s campaign rallies were shouting moronic things.
These are just a few bizarre examples, which pass for legitimate opinion in today’s media, and are the result of an obsession with race. An ominous omen for our future as Senator Obama is about to become the first minority to ascend to the Presidency.
Will today’s media, who’s collective cowardice, which would embarrass a lion in Oz, be able to pass any criticism upon Obama? If things went horribly wrong ie: another costly war, budget deficits, even worse than they are now, or horrible social policy - would the media, and liberals, white Americans ever criticize Obama? And, if they did, would black Americans see that criticism as legitimate, or a sign of racism? The answer to the above is no and yes respectively.
White liberals, in electing Obama, will be excising the narcissistic guilt they feel over slavery. Believing things will be gloriously better for them, black Americans will be basking in the glory of the first “African American” Presidency. Of course, as with all things in life, sometimes getting what you wish becomes a rued proposition.
Throughout this campaign Senator Obama, has barely mentioned race, and the sad state of black inner city culture. Like the abundantly eared Horton, - I can barely hear the Who. One might suppose that Obama, on the verge of becoming the first minority to ascend to the Presidency, would have as one of his main platforms, solutions for black inner city poverty.
The comedian, Bill Cosby, who rose to prominence during the nineteen sixties, has actually experienced real racism; risen above, and around it, to become one of our country’s greatest comedians and wealthiest American’s. Cosby has, in recent years, made a crusade of telling the black inner city what it doesn’t want to hear.
With seven out of ten black children being born out of wedlock, his message is this – “straighten up and fly right!” Young women, stop having babies! Young black men, stop listening to the putrid, destructive, rantings of rap music – stop the cursing, (using the “N” word) – show respect for women. Stay in school; aspire to go to college. Learning, and being smart is not “being white.” A message many white Americans applaud.
One might think, that someone of Cosby’s historical caliper, imparting words of wisdom, would be a welcome voice in the black community. But, not so, for all his altruism, Cosby has been rebuffed as an elitist, and branded by some black Americans, and oddly, even some guilt ridden white ultra-liberals, as an “uncle tom.”
So resistant has inner city black culture become to reason, that they’re willing to toss one of their own out the window, because he dares to utter the truth – something victimization industries, made up of Jacksons, Sharptons, and strangely enough, “educators,” of the world, have brain washed the inner city culture to reject.
I fear this is an omen of things to come. I see any criticism of an Obama administration as being met with cries of racism. And, I see Barak Obama doing absolutely nothing to stem that sentiment. What advantage would there be for Obama to say criticisms of his policies are legitimate, and not based on his race?
Indeed, throughout this campaign, Obama has shown little appetite for controversy. For someone with such a bold catch phrase as “change,” he treads most cautiously around issues. Proposals he labels as “bold” are, when examined, just the same re-hashed liberalism that’s been sputtered by Democrats since the beginning of the last century. In this case, if he’s to live up to his rhetoric, media and public expectation, Obama, will need to pull something a lot more engaging than a rabbit out of his hat.
With Senator Obama’s inevitable victory, I, being a conservative, am left with only one hope. Which is this: that once sitting behind his rather ample desk, ensconced in that oddly shaped room, President Obama will be inspired by the likes of Mr. Cosby, Martian Luther King, Fredrick Douglas, Thomas Soule, and Walter Williams. All who’ve written, and preached self-reliance; an end to black separatism and self-pity. All of whom have preached - the end of racism will come, not by wallowing in it, but rising above it.
If, after four, or eight years, there’s only one “change” to come out of an Obama Presidency, I would hope it would be a change in government rhetoric and more importantly policy, toward the black inner city.
Wouldn’t it be great if Obama ignored the teachers unions and implemented school choice, by providing vouchers for inner city parents, paying for their children to attend better institutions. This would cause the schools to compete for students, creating a better learning environment.
Wouldn’t it be great, if once a week, President Obama, would put forth one of his oratorical masterpieces, echoing the themes of Mr. Cosby?
Wouldn’t it be just fine if the only “change” that occurs in an Obama administration, actually occurs in black inner city culture, with a belief in self- reliance, in the belief that white America owes you nothing. Wouldn’t it?
We’re these things to occur, I would happily admit to being wrong about Barak Obama. I would happily say (much to the delight of my family) that President Obama was a transformative figure in American history.
However, judging from his past, in Chicago, being part of a race based, culturally separatist “church,” for twenty-five years, with it’s racist preacher as his mentor. Associating with dubious characters; Resco, Ayers, etc. And his absolute lack for creating any great “change” legislatively in his political past, forgive me dear reader for being highly dubious.
From what I’ve witnessed so far, I fear an Obama administration will lead to an inflation of the tensions that exits in black inner cities today. Without challenging conventional mores, which has set in within liberal and inner city cultures. An Obama Presidency will become a footnote in history because of the ascendancy of the first black American to its office. But, without a sea change in race relations, will be seen as a sadly missed opportunity for real “change.” The result will be, an Obama Presidency judged not by the content of it’s character, but, by the color of it’s skin.
To quote the immortal words of Dr. Martin Luther King – “I have a dream, I have a dream!”
For all of Barak Obama’s claims of “change,” one can detect very little of it in his stated agendas, filled with hazy notions, that voters, who, after this insanely long election season, (enough to make drying paint interesting), are exhausted, and don’t seem the least bit interested in knowing.
As many in today’s mainstream media are actively and openly rooting, without any pretense of being objective, for Mr. Obama, the real question is - why? Well… one reason is obvious, Democrats, finding no problem too small for government to solve, agree with Obama’s, nebulous agenda. Another, the mainstream media ie: ABC, NBC, and CBS, are inhabited in overwhelming numbers, by self-admitted liberals.
But, why are the mainstream media, rooting so openly for Obama? Well… here’s your answer – slavery. It’s that simple. What separates those on the left from those of us on the right is - guilt. It’s what defines you as a Democrat. Those on the left don’t want anyone to suffer, or be without anything at anytime, otherwise they “feel” bad. So they look to government, (which is more than happy to accommodate their guilt) to relieve them of their “burdens.”
Those of us, conservatives, (such as myself) who are not burdened by such guilt, believe that in this country, anyone can make it if they’re willing to work hard, and if they don’t make it and remain impoverished, it’s not because of white racism.
I believe those on the left, are genetically prone toward feeling guilt. Which extends – ridiculously, to slavery. An institution formerly ended, (with a war which left over six hundred thousand dead) in 1864, by President Lincoln.
I can’t believe I have to make this point, but - Today, there is absolutely no one alive in this country who has ever owned a slave. And no one alive who’s parent, grand parents, or great grand parents, have ever owned another human being. Yet, those on the left, existing in some bizzaro world – feel burdened by guilt over the matter.
So, you ask - why feel guilty? Well…and here we come to the heart of the matter. The guilt liberals feel, is as I stated above, partly genetic, and more ominously, narcissistic. It’s a guilt that they believe can be solved by merely pulling a lever, ie: I’m a Democrat, I’m morally superior to those who disagree with me because I care about the poor, unprivileged, the minority class, and those right wing nut jobs, don’t. And, because I vote for the right people – ie: those who do care - therefore I care, which makes me a good citizen.
The narcissistic nature of those on the left is what is most ominous. Ominous, because it has no end. If your basic disposition is to feel guilt for all you have, and for others who have less, there becomes an endless need to assuage that guilt. And, that type of guilt can destroy a democracy.
Recently at their second Presidential debate, John McCain pointed and referred to Barak Obama as “that one.” Emphasizing a point to the audience of a big spending bill proposed by the Bush administration, and voted for by Obama.
The next day some in the media were actually speculating if McCain’s finger pointing was a subtle racist jesture. Huh? Am I missing something here? Uh-Oh, thought I.
Next, we had Representative John Lewis, a respected icon of the civil rights movement, saying that McCain’s campaign reminded him of the George Wallace campaign (The now deceased former separatist governor of Alabama.) This, because a few idiots, at a few of McCain’s campaign rallies were shouting moronic things.
These are just a few bizarre examples, which pass for legitimate opinion in today’s media, and are the result of an obsession with race. An ominous omen for our future as Senator Obama is about to become the first minority to ascend to the Presidency.
Will today’s media, who’s collective cowardice, which would embarrass a lion in Oz, be able to pass any criticism upon Obama? If things went horribly wrong ie: another costly war, budget deficits, even worse than they are now, or horrible social policy - would the media, and liberals, white Americans ever criticize Obama? And, if they did, would black Americans see that criticism as legitimate, or a sign of racism? The answer to the above is no and yes respectively.
White liberals, in electing Obama, will be excising the narcissistic guilt they feel over slavery. Believing things will be gloriously better for them, black Americans will be basking in the glory of the first “African American” Presidency. Of course, as with all things in life, sometimes getting what you wish becomes a rued proposition.
Throughout this campaign Senator Obama, has barely mentioned race, and the sad state of black inner city culture. Like the abundantly eared Horton, - I can barely hear the Who. One might suppose that Obama, on the verge of becoming the first minority to ascend to the Presidency, would have as one of his main platforms, solutions for black inner city poverty.
The comedian, Bill Cosby, who rose to prominence during the nineteen sixties, has actually experienced real racism; risen above, and around it, to become one of our country’s greatest comedians and wealthiest American’s. Cosby has, in recent years, made a crusade of telling the black inner city what it doesn’t want to hear.
With seven out of ten black children being born out of wedlock, his message is this – “straighten up and fly right!” Young women, stop having babies! Young black men, stop listening to the putrid, destructive, rantings of rap music – stop the cursing, (using the “N” word) – show respect for women. Stay in school; aspire to go to college. Learning, and being smart is not “being white.” A message many white Americans applaud.
One might think, that someone of Cosby’s historical caliper, imparting words of wisdom, would be a welcome voice in the black community. But, not so, for all his altruism, Cosby has been rebuffed as an elitist, and branded by some black Americans, and oddly, even some guilt ridden white ultra-liberals, as an “uncle tom.”
So resistant has inner city black culture become to reason, that they’re willing to toss one of their own out the window, because he dares to utter the truth – something victimization industries, made up of Jacksons, Sharptons, and strangely enough, “educators,” of the world, have brain washed the inner city culture to reject.
I fear this is an omen of things to come. I see any criticism of an Obama administration as being met with cries of racism. And, I see Barak Obama doing absolutely nothing to stem that sentiment. What advantage would there be for Obama to say criticisms of his policies are legitimate, and not based on his race?
Indeed, throughout this campaign, Obama has shown little appetite for controversy. For someone with such a bold catch phrase as “change,” he treads most cautiously around issues. Proposals he labels as “bold” are, when examined, just the same re-hashed liberalism that’s been sputtered by Democrats since the beginning of the last century. In this case, if he’s to live up to his rhetoric, media and public expectation, Obama, will need to pull something a lot more engaging than a rabbit out of his hat.
With Senator Obama’s inevitable victory, I, being a conservative, am left with only one hope. Which is this: that once sitting behind his rather ample desk, ensconced in that oddly shaped room, President Obama will be inspired by the likes of Mr. Cosby, Martian Luther King, Fredrick Douglas, Thomas Soule, and Walter Williams. All who’ve written, and preached self-reliance; an end to black separatism and self-pity. All of whom have preached - the end of racism will come, not by wallowing in it, but rising above it.
If, after four, or eight years, there’s only one “change” to come out of an Obama Presidency, I would hope it would be a change in government rhetoric and more importantly policy, toward the black inner city.
Wouldn’t it be great if Obama ignored the teachers unions and implemented school choice, by providing vouchers for inner city parents, paying for their children to attend better institutions. This would cause the schools to compete for students, creating a better learning environment.
Wouldn’t it be great, if once a week, President Obama, would put forth one of his oratorical masterpieces, echoing the themes of Mr. Cosby?
Wouldn’t it be just fine if the only “change” that occurs in an Obama administration, actually occurs in black inner city culture, with a belief in self- reliance, in the belief that white America owes you nothing. Wouldn’t it?
We’re these things to occur, I would happily admit to being wrong about Barak Obama. I would happily say (much to the delight of my family) that President Obama was a transformative figure in American history.
However, judging from his past, in Chicago, being part of a race based, culturally separatist “church,” for twenty-five years, with it’s racist preacher as his mentor. Associating with dubious characters; Resco, Ayers, etc. And his absolute lack for creating any great “change” legislatively in his political past, forgive me dear reader for being highly dubious.
From what I’ve witnessed so far, I fear an Obama administration will lead to an inflation of the tensions that exits in black inner cities today. Without challenging conventional mores, which has set in within liberal and inner city cultures. An Obama Presidency will become a footnote in history because of the ascendancy of the first black American to its office. But, without a sea change in race relations, will be seen as a sadly missed opportunity for real “change.” The result will be, an Obama Presidency judged not by the content of it’s character, but, by the color of it’s skin.
To quote the immortal words of Dr. Martin Luther King – “I have a dream, I have a dream!”
Friday, January 4, 2008
New Year's '08, Not So Great
Happy New Year Everyone!
In case your New Year started off on the wrong foot - enjoy this
"a little too long" tale. Misery loves company.
I wrote this more for myself than anyone else - Self-Exorcism.
But, after dipping this in some holy water, I decided I had the need to share my angst! So my gain is your loss -
If you're sensitive to pain - hit delete NOW!
This tale contains very little exaggeration - well maybe a teensy, weensy bit, but not much.
I was ambling down my driveway this afternoon to retrieve the mail - and when I got to the bottom of my driveway, I found my solid 15lb. steel mailbox perched upon a steel post, which is sunk into a cement footing 2 and one half feet into the earth, had been decapitated by a city plow being driven by a New Year's eggnog laden plow guy!!
So after stamping my feet for a bit and cursing plowmen everywhere, I gather up my mortally wounded steel box which was poking out of a five feet high plowed glacier, and tossed in into the Jeep. I headed right off
to the Town of Esopus Department of Highway Maintenance and dropped it's corpse onto the desk of a very perplexed woman.
Silence ensued for about 4 or 5 seconds as we each tried to figure out what was happening and waited for the other to speak.
She won - I spoke first - with a bit of rectitude in my voice- "so what are we going to do about this?"
She formed an incorrect reply - "do about what?"
"About this!" I exclaimed - "You" I said (with an unwavering pointed finger and stare) did this!"
"What did I do?" Came another incorrect reply.
So I preceded to explain what I thought was self-explanatory, and concluded - that I was most unpleased, and that someone would have to compensate me for this dastardly act upon my bill delivery storage center.
The steadily annoying women answered "wait here" - and ambled to a room behind her where I heard her muffled voice explaining the situation. A pause - few minutes pass.
Out emerges a man who I sized up in 2 seconds - someone who doesn't give a shit about me, or any other problems the universe might present upon him.
I know just from his haircut ( which I guessed to be about two to three years of age), and finely tailored stained plaid jacket hanging upon finely stained overalls, which rumpled up his legs - which were obviously looking forward to their once a New Year's visit, to the washing machine. All this was squeezed into a very fine pair properly mud stained, knee high boots. - (Hey, I know a clue when it presents itself!).
So - he presents the same blank stare the not so lovely women gave me, and drawls out - "So what's the problem?"
Upon vigorously rubbing my eyes I exclaim, "This was my mailbox, I need a new one and you need to provide me with one." Judging from his stare, I guessed that this was the wrong answer to his question.
"So", he said "what do you want me to do about it?"
More eye rubbing.
"I want the town to replace my mailbox, I can't get my mail, I'm going to have to drive to the Post Office everyday to get my mail!"
"Well" he begins, "By law we're not required to replace anything. That mailbox you have is NOT considered to be a NY. State regulated mailbox."
"What do you mean, Not R-E-G-U-L-A-T-E-D??" I pointedly asked.
Now this man, who one would never imagine, but should expect, knows every highway regulation on the books and proceeds to explain -
"By New York State law, we're not required to replace any mailbox, except a state regulated one, which is a $9 - $12.00 mailbox that sits upon a four foot high, 2x4 wood post. And if I wanted to, I'm not even obligated to replace any type of mailbox!" That mailbox you have there is considered high end, and NOT at regulation standards."
In my mind, I'm quickly trying to grapple with the thought, that even in it's current condition, my mailbox exceeds any NY. State "Regulated" mailbox.
I thought, as I'm sure most sane people do - that when you regulated something it was supposed to be of a higher standard than the norm. Then I came to my senses and settled the quandary, - realizing that I DO live in NY. State.
Who knew? But after a second or two, as he explained why I was sadly ignorant of my current situation, I knew New York State, which never disappoints, would require me to "bend over and spread my legs."
With the tiniest scintilla of sympathy he said "I'm sorry, but this was an accident."
"I assumed this was an accident." I acknowledged. "but I pay a lot of taxes - too many taxes not to have my plowed over mailbox replaced!"
I'll tell you what, I will replace your mailbox with a New York State regulated mailbox - how's that?" Have I landed in a Monty Python sketch? - where's the Dead Parrot?
"But I want you to replace MY mailbox!"
"Even if I wanted to - by law, I couldn't replace that exact mailbox, I would get into trouble!"
The one thing I know about this guy is that he and trouble avoid each other at all cost.
So, realizing my fate, and considering that I live in a state, bound by rules that John Gotti would admire,
I say "FINE! Whatever. I need my mail, so I'll take a R-E-G-U-L-A-T-I-O-N mailbox to get me through the winter." And in the Spring I'll install a REAL Mailbox - I told myself.
Only this time I'll get bridge worker to sink a skyscraper "I" beam 10 ft. into a cement footing, in the ground and have a professional bridge welder attach the 50lb. Cast Iron Non-R-E-G-U-L-A-T-E-D mailbox to it.
Sensing my resignation, taking unusual mercy on me, he says "I'll send some guys out tomorrow to install a regulation mailbox for you. Everything will be fine by tomorrow night."
"But it's supposed to be 18 degrees tomorrow and the ground is frozen and under the 5ft. high snow bank your plow driver created!" I replied.
"That'll be no problem, we have equipment to take care of that." He says.
Removing my mailbox corpse from their front desk I mutter,"Okay, I'll see your guys tomorrow."
As I leave for my car, a thought occurs - the Town of Esopus Dept. of Maintenance, can sink a mailbox in the frozen ground during sub-freezing temperatures, but they can't replace my formerly lovely shiny mailbox.
Next winter, when it snows, I'll surround my new Re-sunk and welded "I" beam mailbox, with Police approved tack laden, street rumple strips.
And when a distracted plow driver gets particularly close to my mailbox destroys his plow, and looses his tires, skidding and flipping into a snow bank - and the incredulous highway department wants me arrested,
I'll inform them that the state doesn't say anything about "regulations" for a NON "regulated" mailbox, and that my particular rumple strips are New York State, Police Regulated, and I have the right to protect my property which includes my mailbox, from your plows, because I now know that you don't do the "Lazurus mailbox" deal, so I can't be responsible for your plow or your tires!
The State line sign should read - "Welcome to New York - Drop your Shorts and smile!"
THERE - I feel better now... how about you??
Welcome to '08 Everyone
PS. - Next Winter, feel free to attend my trial -
I was born and raised in NY. I'm smarter than I look... Maybe.
In case your New Year started off on the wrong foot - enjoy this
"a little too long" tale. Misery loves company.
I wrote this more for myself than anyone else - Self-Exorcism.
But, after dipping this in some holy water, I decided I had the need to share my angst! So my gain is your loss -
If you're sensitive to pain - hit delete NOW!
This tale contains very little exaggeration - well maybe a teensy, weensy bit, but not much.
I was ambling down my driveway this afternoon to retrieve the mail - and when I got to the bottom of my driveway, I found my solid 15lb. steel mailbox perched upon a steel post, which is sunk into a cement footing 2 and one half feet into the earth, had been decapitated by a city plow being driven by a New Year's eggnog laden plow guy!!
So after stamping my feet for a bit and cursing plowmen everywhere, I gather up my mortally wounded steel box which was poking out of a five feet high plowed glacier, and tossed in into the Jeep. I headed right off
to the Town of Esopus Department of Highway Maintenance and dropped it's corpse onto the desk of a very perplexed woman.
Silence ensued for about 4 or 5 seconds as we each tried to figure out what was happening and waited for the other to speak.
She won - I spoke first - with a bit of rectitude in my voice- "so what are we going to do about this?"
She formed an incorrect reply - "do about what?"
"About this!" I exclaimed - "You" I said (with an unwavering pointed finger and stare) did this!"
"What did I do?" Came another incorrect reply.
So I preceded to explain what I thought was self-explanatory, and concluded - that I was most unpleased, and that someone would have to compensate me for this dastardly act upon my bill delivery storage center.
The steadily annoying women answered "wait here" - and ambled to a room behind her where I heard her muffled voice explaining the situation. A pause - few minutes pass.
Out emerges a man who I sized up in 2 seconds - someone who doesn't give a shit about me, or any other problems the universe might present upon him.
I know just from his haircut ( which I guessed to be about two to three years of age), and finely tailored stained plaid jacket hanging upon finely stained overalls, which rumpled up his legs - which were obviously looking forward to their once a New Year's visit, to the washing machine. All this was squeezed into a very fine pair properly mud stained, knee high boots. - (Hey, I know a clue when it presents itself!).
So - he presents the same blank stare the not so lovely women gave me, and drawls out - "So what's the problem?"
Upon vigorously rubbing my eyes I exclaim, "This was my mailbox, I need a new one and you need to provide me with one." Judging from his stare, I guessed that this was the wrong answer to his question.
"So", he said "what do you want me to do about it?"
More eye rubbing.
"I want the town to replace my mailbox, I can't get my mail, I'm going to have to drive to the Post Office everyday to get my mail!"
"Well" he begins, "By law we're not required to replace anything. That mailbox you have is NOT considered to be a NY. State regulated mailbox."
"What do you mean, Not R-E-G-U-L-A-T-E-D??" I pointedly asked.
Now this man, who one would never imagine, but should expect, knows every highway regulation on the books and proceeds to explain -
"By New York State law, we're not required to replace any mailbox, except a state regulated one, which is a $9 - $12.00 mailbox that sits upon a four foot high, 2x4 wood post. And if I wanted to, I'm not even obligated to replace any type of mailbox!" That mailbox you have there is considered high end, and NOT at regulation standards."
In my mind, I'm quickly trying to grapple with the thought, that even in it's current condition, my mailbox exceeds any NY. State "Regulated" mailbox.
I thought, as I'm sure most sane people do - that when you regulated something it was supposed to be of a higher standard than the norm. Then I came to my senses and settled the quandary, - realizing that I DO live in NY. State.
Who knew? But after a second or two, as he explained why I was sadly ignorant of my current situation, I knew New York State, which never disappoints, would require me to "bend over and spread my legs."
With the tiniest scintilla of sympathy he said "I'm sorry, but this was an accident."
"I assumed this was an accident." I acknowledged. "but I pay a lot of taxes - too many taxes not to have my plowed over mailbox replaced!"
I'll tell you what, I will replace your mailbox with a New York State regulated mailbox - how's that?" Have I landed in a Monty Python sketch? - where's the Dead Parrot?
"But I want you to replace MY mailbox!"
"Even if I wanted to - by law, I couldn't replace that exact mailbox, I would get into trouble!"
The one thing I know about this guy is that he and trouble avoid each other at all cost.
So, realizing my fate, and considering that I live in a state, bound by rules that John Gotti would admire,
I say "FINE! Whatever. I need my mail, so I'll take a R-E-G-U-L-A-T-I-O-N mailbox to get me through the winter." And in the Spring I'll install a REAL Mailbox - I told myself.
Only this time I'll get bridge worker to sink a skyscraper "I" beam 10 ft. into a cement footing, in the ground and have a professional bridge welder attach the 50lb. Cast Iron Non-R-E-G-U-L-A-T-E-D mailbox to it.
Sensing my resignation, taking unusual mercy on me, he says "I'll send some guys out tomorrow to install a regulation mailbox for you. Everything will be fine by tomorrow night."
"But it's supposed to be 18 degrees tomorrow and the ground is frozen and under the 5ft. high snow bank your plow driver created!" I replied.
"That'll be no problem, we have equipment to take care of that." He says.
Removing my mailbox corpse from their front desk I mutter,"Okay, I'll see your guys tomorrow."
As I leave for my car, a thought occurs - the Town of Esopus Dept. of Maintenance, can sink a mailbox in the frozen ground during sub-freezing temperatures, but they can't replace my formerly lovely shiny mailbox.
Next winter, when it snows, I'll surround my new Re-sunk and welded "I" beam mailbox, with Police approved tack laden, street rumple strips.
And when a distracted plow driver gets particularly close to my mailbox destroys his plow, and looses his tires, skidding and flipping into a snow bank - and the incredulous highway department wants me arrested,
I'll inform them that the state doesn't say anything about "regulations" for a NON "regulated" mailbox, and that my particular rumple strips are New York State, Police Regulated, and I have the right to protect my property which includes my mailbox, from your plows, because I now know that you don't do the "Lazurus mailbox" deal, so I can't be responsible for your plow or your tires!
The State line sign should read - "Welcome to New York - Drop your Shorts and smile!"
THERE - I feel better now... how about you??
Welcome to '08 Everyone
PS. - Next Winter, feel free to attend my trial -
I was born and raised in NY. I'm smarter than I look... Maybe.
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